The sexual realm is one fraught with delight and frustration. For some it is the one of life’s highlights. For others it can be ho-hum or worse. Even those who start with “hot sex” complain that it does not stay that way. And what if you are dealing with pain and trauma from sex that was unconscious, forced on you, or in some way degrading? What if the idea of sex is wired with shame, quilt, anger and pain?
What do we need to know in order to heal from trauma (if we have some), and cultivate and nurture our passionate sexual self?
Sex, like every aspect of relationship, is an invitation to reveal who we are in the moment, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Our body knows what it feels and needs. But are we listening to this wisdom, or are we in a habit pattern of sex (or not having sex) that keeps us functioning in a repetitive way?
Whether we are healing from trauma, or simply want to juice a flagging sex life, the process is similar. We need to tune into the body and ask it what it needs in this moment to feel safe and loved, so it can open to the feelings that are stored in the body. We need a willingness to feel what is there, in our physical and emotional body, and let our body have a voice. We must learn to trust our body’s wisdom to guide us to what it needs to heal, and also to feel most alive.
Sex can be driven by many impulses from the physical/dna levels, to the emotional need for nurturance, to using it to worship the divine through union.
It is only recently that sex is now being explored and its secrets revealed to an ever-growing classroom of adults who have not learned the arts of the bedroom. Finally a way to achieve wholeness through awareness of this core human experience is available to anyone who is willing to learn. We can all become conscious and feel our maximum aliveness for increased health and deep and fulfilling relationships with those we love.
Just as we read self-help books, go to counselors or take classes to learn to communicate more effectively, for sex to become all it can be, we must bring more awareness into our bedrooms. How do we do this?
Here are seven satisfaction-sustaining secrets:
1. Create a clean, uncluttered, beautiful sacred space and dedicate it as your Temple of Love. It takes just a few things to ‘set the stage’ for a superior experience. Put a scarf or sarong over a plain lamp to create a great effect. Light a candle or two or three for ambience. Burn some incense by the bed or spray some aromatherapy on the sheets. Even a single flower can add a magic touch from the natural world.
2. Nurture one another. Begin your lovemaking sessions with nurturing touch. Take a warm bath or shower together. As you lather one another up, pay attention to the feeling of the soap on the skin. Enjoy the silky feel. After the bath, give and receive even ten minutes of massage. Put love into your touch. Feel your gratitude for having someone with whom you can exchange loving touch and intimacy.
3. Open you eyes. We’re not talking about staring. And there will be times to close your eyes as you relish the touch, taste and feel of your partner. But start by gazing softly into the left eye of your partner. Look past the personality into their heart and soul. With your eyes open, you can become more aware of their emotions and of their responses to your touch.
4. Breath. Connect with your partner’s breathing rhythm and try breathing at the same time. Harmonizing your breath in this way harmonizes your moods as well. This helps you get in synch with your partner. He/she will feel more connected with you as you do this. Slow your breath at times. This will help you tune in even more. To bring passion higher, try a reciprocal or alternating breath where one person breaths in while the other breaths out. Holding the awareness of your own breath connects you to yourself.
5. Go slow. Take your time and savor each moment. Too often sex is rushed and over before you know it. Enjoy getting to know one another’s body. Linger so your loving lasts longer. Take pleasure in this sacred moment that you get to give and receive loving touch.
6. Explore erotic innocence. Come to your partner with beginners mind. What if this were your first time with this person? How conscious and caring can you be? How tuned into THIS moment? Be like children playing. Give your wonder and curiosity free reign. Try new things. Let your heart lead. Play. When sex becomes the same every time, it loses something. We must continue to explore and discover our sexuality so that this wonderful aspect of our relationship can grow along with the rest of us.
7. Communicate. Communication is foundational in helping you discover what turns you and your partner on. Talk about how you like to be touched, how you like to kiss—where you like to be kissed–and what is most satisfying to you. Make suggestions. Be open. Be willing to experiment and explore. When our minds and hearts are open, new possibilities come to us and we can relax into receiving the gift of our natural sexual self.
This is important. Passion waxes and wanes with most couples. To keep a relationship “juicy” you must first keep yourself stimulated and happy. Are you doing things for yourself that make you interesting? Are you growing and learning new things? Are you happy with your body, mind and soul? Are you fascinated by something in life that makes your spirit sing? If you are not happy with yourself or life, your partner will sense this and mirror it back to you.
In addition to keeping yourself happy, make sure you plan fun things that bring you together. Passion is more likely to show itself when you are sharing ideas and activities that inspire you both. Plan some things together that juice you and keep you stimulated and excited about life. Make sure you do things to keep yourself healthy and fit while cultivating creativity and joy.
If passion is absent for too long a time, communicate. Don’t complain—but do say that you miss the ardor between you. Ask your partner to tell you frankly what he/she needs in order to bring back the passion. Unacknowledged and unexpressed feelings of anger, sadness or fear can put a big damper on sexual expression. Communicating authentically with compassion clears the air. This cannot be emphasized enough. Listen with respect to your partner’s feelings and needs—and share your own.
It is wonderful to feel the thrill of juicy hormonal interaction. To feel the rush of “yes!” when someone kisses us is a big attraction. However it is also true that chemistry has a shelf life of around two years, tops. Much of chemistry is the effect of a new and different person. Once the body gets used to the interaction, the thrill starts to diminish.
What you may wish to entertain is the possibility for creating alchemy. Sexual alchemy is a process where you both agree to let go of expectation and simply show up with an erotic innocence of playfulness that asks, “How can I please you?” Imagine that you are kids who have just discovered you have these magical places that give you pleasure.
You then practice the art of giving to and receiving from each other by seeing what brings each of you enjoyment. Pay attention to your needs, and guide your partner into what ignites your passion. Likewise, notice what he/she enjoys and amp it up. Bring your love and willingness to find passion in the practice of making love. Feel the joy you naturally have when you see your partner in pleasure, and see his/her delight in bringing you satisfaction.
Alchemy happens when you:
1. Shift your attitude from “what is happening to me?” to: “how can I create some fire here?”
2. Allow your lover to give to you without expectation.
3. Call on God/Goddess to assist you in awakening the passion in yourself and in your lover.
4. Cultivate an attitude of curiosity and playfulness
5. Look into each other’s eyes while making love.
6. Experiment with breathing together.
7. Encourage your partner to relax and simply take in your love.
Enjoy the gift and see what happens when you shift your attitude and release yourself from goals and expectation. This frees up a hidden reservoir of energy you will find quite refreshing.
Sexual interaction can be experienced as completely mundane. It can also be experienced as a high art form and even a spiritual path. If you want to soar in the heavens, be willing to practice with all your heart, soul and awareness. Mastery takes time, but practice is fun. Allow this spiritual art to engage your total being and gift you with a high orgasmic awakening.