by Joan Heartfield, PhD
Love and intimacy are often linked with passion and romance. The question of how to keep all of this yummy stuff alive and juicy is one Tomas and I have enthusiastically researched. Here’s a few things we have discovered so far from our own experience.
- In order to keep any type of passion and romance alive, you have to have it to begin with. Tomas and I have worked with many couples where one or the other never felt sexual chemistry or passion, but kept trying to ‘make it happen’. What we observed was, if it was never there, it couldn’t be conjured up. If a well has no water, no matter how many times you put the bucket into the well, hoping that one day it will magically fill with water, it remains dry. Using this metaphor, it is wise to get a well that has water in it and choose someone with whom you have genuine passion.
- If you have felt passion with your partner at one time, but for some reason you have shut off this flow of energy and you want to recreate it, or breathe life into it again, then two things have to happen. First, you have to deal with why you shut off the energy in the fist place. Are there feelings you have stuffed that need to be expressed? Have you had an illness or emotional challenge where fear has paralyzed you? Or have you gotten into bad habits that undermine the love and passion? You have to deal with these issues before you can go on. Even as you are dealing with issues and clearing them up, you can begin to voice the appreciation you find in your heart for your partner. You start with that sense of “Who is this person? Why did I get together with them to begin with? What was it that drew me to them?” As I remember that, and I begin to communicate my gratitude for who they are and what they bring to the relationship, it makes them want to bring more of that into the relationship, and opens the door to invite that possibility again. When our partner feels safe, appreciated and respected, love, intimacy and passion can flourish.
- We treat our partners like we treat ourselves, and they treat us like we treat ourselves. So our responsibility is to ourselves, first and foremost. If we want our partners to treat us with respect, we have to honor ourselves, romance the beloved in us, and nurture our own passion. For instance, I know what makes me feel alive, juicy and deeply nourished. Yoga, swimming, walking and dancing are ways I keep my passion alive. These activities help me feel good. Whatever I am feeling, I bring to my partner. When I feel joy because I have cared for myself, our sexual juice is more likely to flow freely.
- Do what you love to do, and bring that to the relationship. Be committed to enjoying life. If you are not happy with some aspect of yourself or your life, take responsibility and get help so that you can be in alignment with your souls purpose and feel in integrity with yourself. If you are not happy, your partner cannot ‘make’ you happy. If you are happy, and your partner is as well, you can be happy together and have a lot of fun.
- Be continually curious about what is it that turns your partner on. Notice ruts and be aware that “new” wakes up the senses, whereas routine puts them to sleep. When our partner really feels seen, valued and loved, then he or she wants to show up in a way that also really nourishes us.
- Make sure the energy circulates. The energy goes out to your partner, comes back to you, goes out, comes back endlessly. In order to have the energy to give all that you can and want to give, be sure to put enough energy into yourself so that you have inner passion to share.
- Be willing to receive. Take in the energy your partner gifts to you, and recognize its value. If your partner has the same commitment to this endlessly creative endeavor, then what you bring to one another is the gift of a lifetime–a juicy, fulfilling and passionate everlasting love. If the pair bonding thing isn’t your thing, don’t worry about it.
The exchange of love is endlessly creative and commit to finding relationships that can accurately reflect who you are and challenge you in just the right way.