Category Archives: Dating

The Art of Conscious Flirting: Playful Interactions in the Dance of Life

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The Art of Conscious Flirting: Playful Interactions in the Dance of Life
By Joan Heartfield. Ph.D.

In our natural, loving state, we are turned on by select individuals and by life in general. As we encounter others, we recognize that each person has a unique quality that enlivens us. Learning a safe, elegant way to play with this enlivening attraction is part of putting conscious flirting into action. Let’s face it; it’s fun to flirt, especially when it serves to enhance others and ourselves!

When we are not in a primary relationship, we can follow our own intuition in how we express the juiciness we feel with another. However, what are our options if we are in a primary relationship? How can we express our delight and appreciation of another in a way that is respectful—both of the person with whom we are enjoying sharing our playful sensual energy—and our partner? How can we cultivate this playful exchange with others in a way that respects them fully, and then take it home to the one we love?  What makes flirting comfortable, easy and fun?

Honesty and truth are essential to cultivating trust and openness within the context of a committed relationship as we navigate through the art of flirting. Knowing our partner is telling us the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth– as well as sharing our own truth– enables us to relax. Integrity with ourselves and with each other creates an atmosphere in which we can make agreements to heighten our emotional safety so that we can play fearlessly. In a partnership where we are committed to “flirt with integrity”, we can then relax into our more natural self and have fun. Flirting with integrity also allows us to feel safe as we watch our significant other playfully interact in ways that uplift and enchant those around them.

Conscious flirting is not a sexual come–on, nor is it manipulative. There is no agenda, no goal other than to playfully acknowledge and delight in one another’s innate nature with words, eyes, body language and respectful touch. Conscious flirting can be by fulfilling in and of itself and is deeply respectful of self and others. It is a safe way of interacting with our erotic innocence in a playful, nourishing way, and is a delightful way to honor the essence of another through acknowledging and appreciating another human being.

Flirting lights us up. It is liberating, invigorating and enriching. Conscious flirting is a way to keep the juice flowing in our lives, while freeing us from the dry way we have been conditioned to interact. Through the act of conscious flirting we have a way to “enlighten” people around us. It is energizing to see the delight on the face of another. Through accessing our inner glow as we skillfully exchange erotically innocent play, we become more beautiful and our immune system gets a boost. Conscious flirting is a form of positive reinforcement that promotes healthy social interaction.

There is an etiquette to conscious flirting that primarily is centered on our intention to be appropriate. Flirting romances the part of us that desires to be acknowledged through the conscious recognition of the dance of life meeting our visual awareness. Conscious flirting invites us to appreciate the beauty of the soul and spirit in another. If more of us knew how to flirt successfully, we would experience less sexual tension. The natural sexual energy we all embody would have a safe and easy way to express itself in our lives. When our sexual energy is blocked, it may express in sexual neurosis and inappropriate behaviors.

In its most transpersonal aspect we can explore who is actually doing the flirting? When we are in an awareness of The Oneness, our ‘small I’ steps aside and allow consciousness to flirt with itself. The way we see it, the name of this masterful game is to surprise, delight and love each other as perfectly as we can. We are no longer focused in the personal, but are now watching Radha and Krishna; Shiva and Shakti interacting in a timeless manner. We are dancing the dance of life in a way that enriches us personally through our cosmic awareness. As we conscientiously bring our loving juicy attention and positive spicy regard to each other, we help grow one another’s succulent aliveness, bright wit, and zesty intelligence. It’s fun to feel really alive, and what better way than to honor our natural flirtatious, playful, spiritual self?

The Art of Asking: Conscious Dating

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The Art of Asking: Conscious Dating

By Joan Heartfield, Ph.D.

 

Asking for what we want can difficult. As regards relationship, historically in Western society men have been the askers and pursuers. They are the gender that is expected to take the first step. This is challenging for many men and women. It is not easy for a man to ask when he does not know if he will be turned down and for many women it is not easy to receive the attention of a man they would rather not have pursuing them.

Some people think that in an ideal world the women would choose the men thereby relieving the men of the need for “hunting” for a partner.  This tactic could allow women to take responsibility for their desire to connect and empower them to ask specifically for what they want in each situation. Men would know that this particular woman wants to get to know him further, and if he feels the same way, graciously accept the invitation.

But men should also have the right to ask for what they want, and many women prefer a man asking.

It seems some aspect of the feminine would like to find balance with pursuit, sometimes choosing the age-old desire to be pursued, and sometimes seeking to pursue.  This requires men to drop into their yin essence and be more relaxed around what women want and it requires women to step into their yang essence and be clear in sharing their desires.

The challenge is always around the feelings and style of both the person asking and the person being asked.

How we ask is important. Neither women nor men like pressure, a come-on, hype, or any type of demand in the asking process. Neither do men or women like games. Be real. Ask with warmth from a neutral, open place. Be open to but not attached to the outcome. The more centered you are, the easier it is for the other person to feel you, rather than feeling their reaction to a strategy you might be using.

Once we are asked to join someone for a “date”, how do we know whether to say yes or no? Sometimes it is obvious. At those times we feel it in every cell of our bodies. When we get a definitive YES or NO, choosing is easy.

What about when we don’t know? Do we check it out and say ‘yes’? Or do we say no and wait for the big YES?

It depends on what is alive in us. If we value adventure and like to share our minds and hearts in an exploratory way–and we feel the person has some merit, say yes. It can be useful getting to know various people. Each person is unique and has something to offer. A person you decide to date may not turn out to “the person” you want to spend your life with, but they may bring a fresh perspective or become a friend. And sometimes as we get to know someone, friendship blossoms into love.

How do you know if a person has “merit”? First see how you feel when you are with this person. Do you feel respected, appreciated and acknowledged for whom you are? Do you feel trusting of this person? Does this person exude kindness and consideration? All of these things are more important than the initial “chemistry”—your attraction to them sexually.

In making your choice, ask questions such as, “What is most alive in you these days?” “What makes you feel really connected to life?” “What is important to you?” “What do you value in your life?”

Real questions invite an open honesty and depth right away. Asking from a genuine desire to know a person invites their vulnerability. We have to feel safe to open up, and vulnerability, while sometimes scary to reveal, is nonetheless quite seductive too.

How this person answers your questions will let you know if you want to spend more time with them or not. If you appreciate this person’s energy and answers, yes is a natural outcome. If something is missing or you do not feel “right” with them, you will say no.

How you say yes or no is important. Yes is easy. No can be easy if done with love. First be present with the person asking. Look at them and take a breath. Focus your gaze on their left (receptive) eye. Always start with “thank you for asking me.” Acknowledgment is very important. If you know it is a yes, say something like, “I’d be happy to spend some time with you. I’d like to get to know you better too.” If you do not know, you might say, “I’m not getting an immediate yes or no. Let me reflect on it and I will let you know later today. I appreciate your willingness to ask.”

If you know it is a no, you might say, “Thank you for asking me. I know how challenging asking can be. I am not available to go out with you and I do appreciate your willingness to ask.”

Trust your intuition.   Honor your own and everyone’s right to say NO.

The truth is, we are all being guided in our lives. We know what is true for us and we are receiving new information all the time. We must tune into and trust our own guidance. This starts with the art of asking and being honest with yourself and one another.

For the men: Imagine you are a Divine Masculine man being asked by a Divine Feminine woman for a date. This is your opportunity to step into your High Self with the women who invite you to share time with them. Let go of expectations and simply be present to the moment. Honor your own boundaries and those of your partner. Listen to what this woman wants, and share with her your hearts desires. During your date time honor her wishes. Let the woman lead. She may decide she only wants closeness and talking.  Celebrate her honesty.  Encourage her to trust her intuition.

For the women:  Imagine you are a Divine Feminine woman being asked by a Divine Masculine man for a date. This is your opportunity to step into your High Self and be gently forthright and honest. Check in with yourself first. Discard old programs of teasing or keeping the man guessing. Do not manipulate through the unconscious use or your sexual energy. Honor your own boundaries and those of your partner.

We can create a new paradigm of giving and receiving love through conscious dating. We can create more fullness in our capacity to generate more presence in our relationship to one other through honest and respectful interactions.

This is where our conscious kindness adds more depth to our personal interactions. We can come together with true curiosity and consideration, have fun and trustworthy interactions and part from one another feeling happy. We ultimately want to leave friends and lovers better than we found them!

Joan Heartfield, Ph.D., director of Divine Feminine, A Modern Mystery School, has been teaching with Caroline Muir since 1994. A counselor, writer, and guide for over 25 years, Joan is passionate about intimacy and sacred sexuality, radically authentic communication, and the health and vitality we can cultivate in our bodies. She and her husband, Tomas, facilitate retreats for singles and couples  www-divine-feminine.com and www.talkinghearts.com.